Now that the DNC four-day, multi-network infomercial is mercifully finished, the memory of the RNC version grows a bit dim, except for nominee Donald John Trump’s speech that ripped the wallpaper off the Quicken Loans Arena. According to him, life in America today is dark, dangerous, dismal, dystopian, full of doom and the only light on the horizon is coming from the blinding white teeth of the “Blue Collar Billionaire” himself.
The best way to describe what went down in Cleveland is… Trumpapalooza. It was all Trump all the time. Usually, a party’s nominee is the blushing bride, only getting glimpsed at the big closing ceremony, but this bride appeared live or by video all four days and did not blush once.
He needed to fill the void of a large group of Heavy Duty Republicans who stayed home, worried about being painted by the Trump Crazy Brush, which like his hair has an exceptionally wide swath. Sen. Jeff Flake from Arizona said he didn’t go because he “had to mow the lawn.” Which is just above sorting your sock drawer in terms of sad.
Hence, organizers were forced to flood the stage with Trumps. Or is it Trumpses? The whole affair was downright Trumpalicious. When it wasn’t about Hillary, that is. Which was often. To say she wasn’t getting hit with the happy stick is like intimating that Phoenix in August might creep up past balmy.
Chris Christie was ready to persecute, prosecute, execute, play a flute and electrocute Mrs. Clinton until she, reduced to ashes, could be safely sprinkled in the Cuyahoga River. And why is it that even when addressing supporters, the New Jersey Governor sounds like he’s reading them their Miranda Rights?
Ben Carsonogenic accused Hillary of being a disciple of Lucifer. Wow. Where do you go from there? Not a lot of wiggle room left. Should she subsequently kick a puppy, does that make her even more eviler than Lucifer?
The VP pick, Mike Pence, claimed he’s not the most exciting politician and proved himself right. Next to this guy, vanilla seems exotic. And French vanilla-downright psychedelic. But he’s exactly what Trump needs. A yin for the yang. A conservative to balance the renegade. A soft green mold to muffle the spiky shards. 2 percent milk for the hydrochloric acid.
And there were plenty of Trumpses to go around. The first night, the third wife gave a speech, lifting large portions from Obama’s only wife. On Tuesday night the daughter of the second wife spoke along with the son of the first wife. On Wednesday the other son of the first wife waxed poetic and on the closing night the daughter of the first wife introduced the fertile and fickle man himself.
The show ended with the whole Trump clan crowding the stage including the son of the third wife, and who knows, maybe wives #1 & #2 and a couple of assorted mistresses snuck up there. The funny thing is, they’re all blonde. Even the ones that aren’t blonde are blonde if you catch my drift. It was Trumptastic. Or Trumpatrocious, depending on your point of view.
But the real star was Ted Cruz who ripped a page straight out of the Trump playbook because even though the Texas Senator got booed for not endorsing his rival, we’re still talking about him, making him the presumptive front- runner for 2020 GOP nomination. And yes, you’re right. Thinking about 2020 is dark and dismal.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager.
