It is now all but certain that the 2012 Presidential election will boil down to a choice between a man named Barack and a man named either Mitt or Newt. This promises to be the best Presidential name-oriented election since 1952 when we had Dwight vs. Adlai, or perhaps even 1868 when Ulysses ran against Horatio.
Most serious Presidential Name Scholars agree that the single best presidential name remains Millard Fillmore, with Rutherford B. Hayes a close second and Barack Obama holding down a tenuous third.
Taken as a pair, the best president and vice president name combinations are either Ulysses S. Grant and Schuyler Colfax or Abraham Lincoln and Hannibal Hamlin, although a White House consisting of both a Newt and a Mitt could be a contender.
Presidential names are on my mind right now because, like most responsible and informed American voters, I make the decision of who I think should become leader of the free world and Commander in Chief of the world’s most powerful armed forces – based on how the letters in each candidates’ names can be rearranged to spell different words or phrases.
For example, the letters in Newt Gingrich’s name can be rearranged to spell “Wench Grin Ting,” “Chin Gent Wring” and “Inch Gent Wring,” all of which somehow capture an important aspect of Newt’s character and tell us all we need to know about the bombastic and oddly narcissistic former Speaker of the House.
Barack Obama’s name can be rearranged to spell “Maraca Kabob,” which was good enough to get my vote in 2008 and is probably good enough to get it in 2012.
Mitt Romney’s name can be rearranged to spell “Metro Minty,” “Not My Merit,” “Remit My Ton,” and “Omit My Rent,” all of which seem strangely appropriate with regard to the uber-wealthy and intellectually facile former governor.
Just when it looked like my mind was made up for the 2012 election, political commentators began pointing out an uncanny number of coincidences linking me with Mitt Romney.
For example, Mitt and I are both ruggedly handsome men with excellent hair, although my good looks are more of the “beautiful on the inside” variety and my best hair days are behind me.
Both of us speak a little Spanish. Mitt was once CEO of Bain Capital, and I live on Bainbridge Island. Mitt owns a half dozen or so homes; the one home I almost own has a half-dozen or so rooms. Mitt’s wife is not named Betty and neither is mine. Mitt organized the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City, and I was in Los Angeles during the 1984 Summer Olympic Games held there.
I know, it’s downright eerie to see how much Mitt and I have in common. But it doesn’t stop there.
If you take the letters of Mitt Romney’s name and rearrange them, they spell out “I’m Tom Tyner.”
Coincidence? Or a call to action from a supernatural electoral power? A meaningless roll of the anagram dice, or a harbinger of a cataclysmic shift in the political landscape?
Only time will tell.
And before you pooh-pooh my Anagram Algorithmic Approach to Deciding Important Elections (patent pending, used by permission, batteries not included), remember that in 2008 the Republican candidates were John McCain (“Jam in Conch”) and Sarah Palin (“Las Piranha,” “Sharia Plan,” and “Anal Parish”).
I rest my case.
Tom Tyner is an attorney for the Trust for Public Land. He is author of “Skeletons From Our Closet,” a collection of writings on the island’s latte scene.
