Two months before joining the government in an entry level position, President-elect Donald Trump has been learning the ropes and is busier than a bartender ten minutes before midnight at a Times Square Applebee’s on New Year’s Eve.
A large amount of time was spent selecting a cabinet of deplorables from his basket of deplorables and making sure the two sons from his first marriage, Uday and Qusay, had the proper security clearances. Their safari trophies were also expedited though customs.
Trump cleverly kept America’s enemies on their toes by refusing to commit to moving into the White House. Replacing a black family living in public housing would cause him to break out in hives, and nobody wants an itchy beloved leader. Besides, Melania is reluctant to downsize.
Trump then advised people calling for a three state recount to “get over it.” Reminded it had taken him seven and a half years to acknowledge Barack Obama was born in America, Trump invoked the classic, “do as I say, not as I do” doctrine, demonstrating a firm grip on the hypocritical handle necessary to wield a leadership baton.
He honed his diplomatic skills getting into a fight with both a Broadway musical and “Saturday Night Live,” leading folks to wonder how soon a Twitter war with Lady Gaga will break out.
But the majority of the future 45th President’s time was spent reneging on a slew of campaign promises. Who would have thought a New York City developer would welsh on a deal? Oh yeah. Everybody.
– He settled the lawsuit he “would never settle” against Trump University because nobody wants the presidency plagued by frivolous distractions. And there will be plenty of other lawsuits to be frivolously distracted by.
– Trump now looks forward to getting advice from President Obama. Probably expects some problems with his Kenyan immigration policies.
– One of his major refrains was locking up Crooked Hillary. Now he’s thanking her for her service to the country. Lock her up with hugs and kisses is what he meant.
– He will retain parts of Obama Care instead of getting rid of it on Day One like previously promised. It is thought his major complaint is Obama’s name on the bill and as soon as the country starts referring to it as Trump Care, he’ll be fine with it.
– That whole imposing a Muslim ban thing? No. No. No. He’s imposing a muslin ban. No more imported loosely woven cotton fabric. In addition we’re going to keep out those nasty Vicuna coats from Peru as well.
– An end to sanctuary cities? Yes. Definitely. Bird sanctuary cities.
– Going to impose tariffs on Chinese gods not goods. The Eight Immortals can remain eternal but they’re going to have to do it on Chinese shores.
– Bomb ISIS. What he meant to say is the Egyptian goddess Isis is the bomb.
– Getting rid of NAFTA? No, he’s going to get rid of naphtha and switch to the much more economical liquid gas to heat all his resort swimming pools.
– And building a wall – a simple misunderstanding. He’s going to build a mall. And get Ross Dress for Less to pay for it.
– Huge tax cuts for the rich because god knows the rich need more money. Yeah. That one he’s going to keep.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former assistant manager at a Pizza Hut in West Allis, Wisconsin.
