Sexual assault is a tough discussion. It comes with a lot of questions and can be intimidating to talk about with your tween or teenager. With the internet and other outside sources, teenagers have a higher chance of being exposed to sexual assault behavior or becoming victims themselves.
Sexual assault is defined as sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Sexual assault can also occur in abusive teenage relationships over technology, such as digital photos and videos. It also occurs by engaging in harassing, unsolicited, or non-consensual sexual interactions.
These are all issues our teenagers are exposed to. As a parent, it’s important to become educated about sexual assault and not assume your teenager is getting the correct information. Put yourself in the driver seat about how your teenager will learn about consent, boundaries, listening to their gut and saying no.
Tips on talking with your teenager about sexual assault:
• Do your research. RAINN (www.rainn.org) is a wonderful resource to gain knowledge of warning signs, how to talk to your child and teenager, and useful statistics about sexual assault. RAINN also has a 24/7 hotline that will connect you with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area. Call 800-656-HOPE (4673)
• It’s important to start these conversations young. Teaching your tween or teenager about boundaries, how to listen to their gut and using their voice are all wonderful skills that apply to everyday situations, but can be especially important when relating to sexual assault as a teenager.
• When having tough conversations, find a safe place to talk and make sure your teenager is comfortable and able to listen. If you force the conversation they will shut down. Ask them to set a good time to talk. Perpetrators often use secret-keeping to manipulate victims. Let teenagers know they can always talk to you, especially if they have been told to keep a secret.
• Make sure your teenager understands that they will not be in trouble if they share their experience or ask questions. Often, victims do not tell their parents because they feel the perpetrator will get in trouble or they do not want to hurt or disappoint their parents.
• Talk about how drugs and alcohol can escalate unsafe situations. Most assaults occur when the victim has consumed a large quantity of alcohol. Ask your teenager what their safe plan is, do they have a back up plan, and other questions that may lead to open conversations.
• Talk to your teenager about sexual assault directly because we can’t assume they have adequate and accurate information. Using statistics and simple facts like, “it’s never the victim’s fault,” or “no one looks like a rapist” could give them an opportunity to prevent misconceptions and ask questions.
• Sexual assaults are not just a woman’s issue. Talk to your boys about consent, not only how to listen to consent, but also how to relay it. Start the conversations as early as six months. Let your child know that they are in control of their body and decisions.
• Teach respect. Ask your kids if you can give them a hug or kiss and respect them if they don’t want to. This teaches young children two things: They need to ask and gain permission before touching someone or doing something and it teaches them that they are important enough for their answer to be respected.
• Asking your teenager their opinion of everyday events (home life, social media, news, etc.) can show you value them. This can help open doors for more conversation and help tough topics in the future.
• Use your own experience to tell a safety story. If you do not have one yourself or do not feel comfortable sharing, you can tell a story about someone you know. This is about educating your teenager not scaring them.
• Model a helping behavior. If your teenager sees you helping others, this will increase the chance of they will do better at making tough decisions.
Courtney Oliver is a licensed mental health and chemical dependency counselor with Bainbridge Youth Services, which provides community youth (ages 12-21) with no-cost, confidential and high quality professional counseling. Visit www.askBYS.org for more information.
