Breaking News from Garlic Press
spicy satire for traumatic times
President Trump this morning said the coronavirus will be “nothing serious” in the United States and described what many are calling a pandemic as a “conspiracy cooked up by Tired Joe Biden and the Democrats.”
At a signing ceremony in the Oval Office, Trump paused to answer a reporter’s question, saying, “The number is decreasing every day. Soon we’ll be at zero — maybe below zero.” Then he added, “They’re saying China. You know China has a top-secret biological lab right near that meat market in Lohan — Wuhan, whatever.”
When pressed for details, he added, “They’re saying that lab has a board of directors and Hunter Biden might be involved. I’m sending Rudy over there as soon as they allow flights in, and we’ll see what happens.”
Trump went on to heap blame on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Nancy and Chuck, they’re desperate because they know they need a catastrophe to crash the stock market to win the election. And the evil fake-news media are saying, ‘It’s a pandemic — we’re all gonna die!’ Would I let anybody die? Well, maybe James Comey. Maybe Andrew McCabe. I don’t know, but you do the math. Fifteen cases and they’re all getting better. Soon we’ll be down to five. I think it might be a conspiracy cooked up by Tired Joe Biden and the Democrats to turn things around for a losing campaign.”
Trump’s personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani, said he would suspend efforts to unearth new information on Hunter Biden’s activities as a member of Ukraine gas company Burisma’s board of directors and prepare for a trip to China. “I’m getting fitted for a Hazmat suit this afternoon and I’ll be the first foreigner off the plane when they resume flight service. Things are getting much better over there, and the warm weather is coming.”
In a White House press room briefing yesterday, Trump told reporters the spread of the virus, which has infected more than 80,000 people worldwide and killed more than 2,700, will slow down in April, like the flu, to which he compared it. “And just in case, we’ll have a vaccine any day, though I don’t see what the big deal is. No deaths, everyone’s getting better. I think the market will recover quickly. The stock market, that is. I don’t know about the meat market.”
Steve Klinger is a veteran community journalist and college English instructor based in southern New Mexico. Frequently skeptical about the capacity of the written word to inspire activism, he also writes songs, hoping to add the power of music to his topical lyrics.
