Summer is officially over. Whether you fall into my camp and feel a little relieved that the sunny day urgency to “make it count” is subsiding or you’re crying into your sweaters, we can’t deny that the “hunker down” part of the year is upon us.

What I’ve witnessed over my years as a therapist is that as we move through this transition, we sometimes trade one feeling of urgency for another. This season’s version is about getting things done and doing them well. Instead of putting our whole selves into seizing the day with whatever summer fun we can squeeze into 24 hours, we’re feeling the crunch of getting back to work and school.

In my other Teenage Pressure Cooker articles, I’ve talked about how adults put pressure on kids to be “successful” and ways that we can shift that. This stream of pondering has led me to think more about the pressure adults put on each other and the trickle down effect that has on kids and teens. The truth is that if we really want the legacy of perfectionism to change for the youth in our community, then we have to start that change with the people who hold the power (hint… it’s us). We’re the grown ups. We’re the parents, the teachers, the coaches, the counselors and we are the ones with the most sway and influence in the system. The issue that I want to focus on the most here is a nasty thing called parent oppression.

It’s an evil force! It’s the force that shall not be named!

And yet we perpetuate it without even realizing it. Parents have the hardest job there is, with an unfortunate lack of support. We don’t have the same sort of community or even social structure that cultivates shared responsibility and shared benefits for everyone succeeding in their own way. We live in a world that encourages us to be competitive and hyper focused on status and financial success. Even if we don’t buy into those ideals conscientiously, they are still woven into the fabric of our overarching culture.

Not only does this poison our youth with a sense that they have to do it bigger and better (than their parents and peers), it poisons our relationships with each other as adults and parents. I’ve seen plenty of parents over the years who were struggling and afraid to look for support for fear of judgment. Society sets you up to see your child and their success as a reflection of your own and as proof of your competence as a parent and a person. This dynamic hurts parents because asking for help through a normal struggle often feels like it equals admitting failure.

We need to work harder to create a culture for parents that makes it safe to struggle and makes it okay for their kids to fail without judgment from others. We are too often relishing in someone else’s downfall because we think it means there’s more room for our own advancement.

Let me throw out a crazy idea that contradicts our society’s message about opportunities for success. There is room for all of us!

If we are pursuing what is genuinely best for ourselves in a gracious and self-aware way, it honors that there is space for others to do it too and we might even have some graciousness left over to lend them a helping hand. Try that expansive energy on and bring it to your interactions with your community and your children and let’s see if we can’t create something different together that’s more inclusive, loving and supportive. After all, isn’t that the soil we want our kids to be planted and cultivated in anyway?

If you are a parent or have a child that is struggling. BYS is here for you. AskBYS.org.

Tara Murphy is a former counselor with BYS and has a private therapy practice in Seattle.