BY TARA MURPHY

Ahhh spring. It’s finally here. Most people think about spring as being synonymous with a fresh new start. It’s a time to shed the winter hibernation mode and pep up.

I’m sure I’m not alone in also feeling a pull to throw the windows open and give the house a good purge and scrub (while secretly wishing some woodland creatures would come help, Snow White-style). As we’re in the spring cleaning mood it makes sense to also think about thoughts, patterns and ways of being that are no longer of use to us or that need some sprucing up.

I ask you this, what parenting patterns would you like to purge?

In my work, I’ve noticed a systemic pattern that I think could get kicked to the curb. I am so often struck by how unfriendly our mainstream society is to parents, and witness regularly what a toll that takes on people. I wonder what would change if we all valued and committed to cultivating a culture that was an ally and support to parents. One that encouraged people to parent based on their instincts, with openness and understanding, rather than based on fear, worry or an endless list of unrealistic expectations. What would it look like for parents and kids if they felt free to step away from a legacy of work hard/play hard and move toward a system founded on the belief that worth is inherent, rather than earned?

In this new and amazing parenting culture we would be giving parents and kids permission to trust their guts.

Parents and kids (and most other humans) get relentless messages both overt and subtle that they can’t trust their own thinking. So much of the work that I do as a therapist is helping people reestablish a connection with their gut instinct and helping them validate it.

There are so many ways in which our instinct gets clouded, but one of the biggest culprits is our culture of constant comparisons. We have no shortage of ways to be reminded that someone, somewhere is doing it differently (read: better) than us. We are in a regular state of getting and giving judgment, some positive, some neutral and some negative. Parents and teens feel constant pressure that is built in to the undercurrent of their lives. Work smarter, be better, push harder!

What might it be like if parents were allowed to really trust their own thinking and take a break from the anxiety fueled question, “Am I doing it right, like everyone else”?

What if we believed that we are all naturally inclined toward growth and didn’t always need to be pushed and rewarded, but instead that we can rely on our own process? This natural process tends to be founded upon what we value and how we want to spend our existence.

What does your gut tell you to value? When you step away from the current of constant motion and striving, what is it that really matters? Now what does it look like to make that your objective and align your daily behavior with it just a little bit more?

Here’s my favorite little shortcut to getting there. It’s your new Magic 8 Ball. Ask yourself this: “If I were the most important person in my life, what choice would I make?”

The great thing about this question is that if you are really attuned to yourself and committed to graciously meeting your needs with awareness and sensitivity then you will also be doing what is best for both yourself and everyone else! Let this question be your constant guide. It works for deciding what to have for breakfast, and whether to say yes to your teen wanting to go to a party you feel hesitant about. It will guide you in your answer to that PTA volunteer ask, or in how you should talk with your kids about college, drugs, grades, sex, etc. It constantly helps you align your decisions and behavior with your integrity.

You can’t parent well when your integrity is compromised and when you are living according to someone else’s standards or expectations. You are the expert on what is best for you and when you advocate for your needs based on integrity, you’re a more, compassionate, clever, understanding human.

Parenting with integrity sometimes means that doing what is best for you means saying no, or holding a boundary. This may be disappointing for others, however, you are giving them a two-part gift. The first part is that they get to be in a relationship with someone who can advocate for their own needs (which relives them of the duty). The second part is they have the opportunity to realize their own resilience, because, well, gosh darn it they can handle you saying no or feeling disappointed and that ultimately makes them stronger.

So, before the summer hits full force take advantage of the chance to set some new intentions as parents, as people and as a community that genuinely honor your integrity, values and loveliness and if you happen to need some support in that process Bainbridge Youth Services is always here to help.

Tara Murphy is a former counselor with Bainbridge Youth Services and has a private therapy practice in Seattle.