The high school principal sent words of support and a Bainbridge Island support group released a video to help the community deal with its grief after the deaths of three teenage girls in a single-vehicle crash last week.
“It is impossible to express the grief and sadness felt across Bainbridge High School and the entire Bainbridge Island community,” BHS principal Kristen Haizlip says in a letter.
She gave tips to parents, guardians, family members and friends to make sure teens stay safe.
*Acknowledge what has happened. Encourage your teen to talk about the tragic loss. Ensure this conversation is happening in a safe space where there is truly time to communicate, share, empathize and grieve.
*Allow your teen to express their reactions, and then validate the emotions that emerge at each grief stage. All young people need to be reminded that there is no right or wrong way to feel.
The basic stages of grief that can happen in any order are:
Shock: Often experienced as numbness or physical pain and withdrawal.
Denial: Acting as if no loss has occurred to avoid painful feelings.
Depression: Feeling pain, despair and emptiness is not always accompanied by a visible emotional release such as crying but may also be expressed through isolation.
Guilt: Self-blame that the loss was his/her fault.
Anxiety: Panic as reality sets in.
Aggression: A misdirection of anger and frustration and a lack of control.
Reintegration: Loss is accepted (although there may be periods of relapse).
“Again, I want to reiterate that you are not alone. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me or any BHS administrator or counselor. We can guide you to additional support and resources,” Haizlip’s letter concludes.
Video
Meanwhile, Raising Resilience made a video with BI grief counselor Nani Baran on how parents can support teens through this difficult time. Baran said she has experience working with grief groups at Harrison Medical Center.
“This is a tragedy beyond measure,” she said. “It’s the most-horrible thing imagineable.”
Baran explained that grief is both private and shared so dealing with it can be confusing to all. “It’s an exhausting process” in which people can get overwhelmed, and that’s normal and natural.
It’s a paradox because life goes on despite the tragedy. That can make some people angry because others aren’t acting the way they should.
Baran said people handle grief differently. “You don’t get over it. You figure out how to keep going,” she said. “You can’t rush it.”
She said parents often want to fix things, but when it comes to grief they need to let kids “be where they’re at instead of trying to take the pain away from them.”
Baran said even though some people may not be outwardly religious, they may have a faith or belief system about life and the universe they can use as “a sense of nourishment.”
The counselor said grief comes in the form of thoughts, emotions, physically, spiritually and socially. “It’s a kaleidoscope, always changing,” she said. “Try not to assume. Life is messier than that.”
Baran said parents need to take care of themselves, too, so they can better help their kids. “Don’t freak out,” she said, adding go to the person who best supports you to get strength.
She gave some breathing tips to try. If you’re looking to relax, breathe out longer. If you’re looking for energy, breathe in longer. And if you’re looking for balance, breathe in and out equally.
In conclusion, Baran said: “Grief is a companion. Don’t fight it. Don’t rush people through those feelings. Eventually the balance can shift.”
In a message Monday, Sakai Intermediate School principal Drew Crandell wrote: “Last week’s tragic car accident that took the lives of three Bainbridge teenagers has been devastating for our community. Marina, Hazel and Hannah were beloved Sakai students not long ago, and are remembered fondly by all who knew them.
“This week, we pay tribute to the three lives lost by hanging a white ribbon in remembrance. Our entire staff wish to send our deepest condolences to their families and those impacted by their tragic loss.”
Resources
Administrative team: Kristen Haizlip, principal (206) 780-1250 khaizlip@bisd303.org; Joe Power, associate principal (A-K) (206) 780-1270 jpower@bisd303.org; Warren Read, associate principal (L-Z) (206) 780-1280 wread@bisd303.org
Counseling team: Adam Ward (A-C) (206)780-1259 award@bisd303.org; Nicole Wescott (D-H) (206)780-1291 nwescott@bisd303.org; Krista Pal (I-Mc) (206) 780-1293 kpal@bisd303.org ; Lauren D’Amico (Me-Ri) (206) 780-1292 ldamico@bisd303.org ; Cara Tebo (Ro-Z) (206) 780-1269 ctebo@bisd303.org
Other local help: Bainbridge Youth Services (206) 842-9675 https://askbys.org/ ; Kitsap Mental Health Services (360) 373-3425 https://www.kitsapmentalhealth.org/
Video: Raising Resilience, vimeo.com/525864265
Tips for Caregivers (Teen and response)
1. I may feel sad, scared, empty, or numb but be embarrassed to show my feelings. R – Talk about your own feelings and invite me to talk about mine once I’m ready.
2. I might have behavior problems that are new or worse than before. R – Have patience while setting appropriate limits on behaviors. Encourage me to get back to routines and activities with friends.
3. I have trouble concentrating or have a change in sleep patterns. R – Talk with me about ways to cope with these, like getting back to enjoyable activities or listening to calming music.
4. Have physical reactions like jumpiness, stomach aches, headaches, a pounding heart, or body aches. R – Encourage me to use physical activities to release tension or try relaxing things, like deep breathing or gentle stretching.
5. I may think that life is meaningless, feel guilty for being OK, or withdraw from family and friends. R – Discuss solutions for feeling sad and mention that, while social media can be helpful, I may feel better seeing friends in person.
6. Sometimes I wonder if something bad will happen to me or other important people in my life. R – Help me develop a realistic picture of the dangers in life. Talk about ways for me to take control of my safety.
7. I may talk about feeling responsible for the death. R – Give honest, accurate and age-appropriate information.
8. Sometimes I might not want to talk about the person who died. R – Even if you feel rejected, do stay involved with me. I need your presence more than ever.
9. I might refuse to go places or do things that remind me of the person who died. R – Understand that I may be overwhelmed by upsetting feelings, but want to look strong or act as if nothing is wrong.
10. I may not want to talk about or remember good things about the person who died because it brings up reminders of the traumatic death. R – Tell me stories about the person and make me a memory book so I can keep the person in my mind and my heart.
