Any politician angling to be president has to appear believable while wearing many hats. The electorate needs to imagine him/her in a pith helmet to lead us through the jungle. A hard hat to connect to blue collar voters. A top hat to conduct formal diplomatic negotiations. A deerstalker to sift through the intrigue. And a toque to cook up some fun.
Even a branded baseball cap to protect his hair from whipping to the heavens like a sentient shrubbery signaling a secret society of Navajo fringe talkers has a certain appeal. Apparently.
Of course Donald Trump is no ordinary candidate. As can be verified by recent attempts to appear statesmanlike, which are so all over the map, his staff should be CCing Rand McNally with daily briefings from the expanding duchy of Trumpistan.
First, he refuses to back down from anything he’s ever said or done, then issues a blanket apology to whomever for whatever, whenever. Following that he jettisoned a campaign manager he never paid attention to, before hiring an entirely different ministry of folks to totally ignore.
Now the GOP nominee’s position on undocumented immigrants either has changed or hasn’t, and in the space of a week, he described it as both a softening and a hardening. So he’s got his rigidity spectrum pretty well covered.
The new management team seems to be turning their crabby coif almost, kind of, sort of, semi-reasonable. But even the creamiest, fluffiest, down-filled Donald Trump could still poke huge holes in democracy without swinging his elbows extra wide.
The Commander-in-Chief commands. Chiefly. Plotting not just the direction of the Ship of State but also wielding responsibility for staffing all positions including the helm, the hold and who gets to clean out the head. Chris Christie.
With victory comes the spoils, and that includes choosing a cabinet, judges and over 300 other appointments that don’t require Senate approval, including commission directors, council members, national park eagle wranglers, roller coaster rail grease inspectors, swan boat concession sommeliers and shoeshine kiosk employees at the New York Port Authority. Chris Christie.
And without any experience in the public sector for us to ascertain previous proclivities, we’re forced to make educated guesses as to whom a President Trump might or might not pick for certain positions based solely on evidence observed thus far. So, let’s give it a go, shall we?
THE TRUMPEAN DREAM TEAM
Attorney General. Gary Busey.
CIA Director. Rudy Giuliani.
Secretary of Edumacation. Sarah Palin.
Postmaster General. Scott Baio.
Secretary of Defense. Buford T. Justice.
Surgeon General. Hannibal Lechter.
Secretary of State. Vladimir Putin.
Supreme Court Justice. Judge Judy.
Secretary of Agriculture. Tommy Chong.
Environmental Protection Agency. Darren Woods: President of Mobil- Exxon.
Secretary of Interior. Arsenio Hall.
Ambassador to the United Nations. Dennis Rodman.
Secretary of Health and Human Services. Martin Shkreli.
Chief of Protocol. Ozzy Osbourne.
Secretary of Labor. Mike Tyson.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs. Melania Trump.
Secretary of Transportation. That old guy from Duck Dynasty.
Secretary of Treasury. Scrooge McDuck.
White House Chef. Ronald McDonald.
Federal Communications Commission Chairman. Roger Ailes.
Executive Administrator of the Small Business Administration. Carl Icahn.
Homeland Security. Ann Coulter.
Chief Scientist for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Ben Carson.
Federal Deputy Northeast Regional Bridge Inspector.Chris Christie.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager.
