Our quadrennial presidential sweepstakes regularly provides textbook studies in contrast. And 2016 raises the bar in disparity. Red and blue. Left and right. Hot and cold. Up and down. Good and bad. Boy and girl. Pro and con. Loud and soft. Rain or shine. Fish and fowl. Dumb and dumber.
Perhaps the only fact that supporters of both major party candidates can agree is that differences between the two do exist. Donald Trump is a Gemini and Hillary Clinton a Scorpio. He’s 70 years old while she doesn’t turn 69 until October. And that relative youth obviously goes a long way in explaining why Millennials overwhelmingly favor her.
One is a Democrat and the other a demagogue. One is a woman who has big hands and the other isn’t and doesn’t. And as Michael Bloomberg put it, one of them is not insane.
But this is America, damn it, where yeah, sure, we acknowledge our differences. After all, each and every one of us is special and unique like a baby snowflake. But this is a country that also embraces that which binds us together, and the number of bizarre similarities the Donald and the Hillary share is uncanny.
Well, they’re not quite mirror images, but considering one is a 5-foot-6 career politician and one is a 6-foot-2 reality TV star, there are enough peas-in-a-pod resemblances to call out the doppelganger police. Although best you ring the business office, not the emergency number.
For instance: both are Americans who live in New York, are right-handed and sport bullet-proof hair. Both treat the truth with a disdain normally reserved for Zika-infested mosquito ponds and have spouses that are beloved enablers of the tabloids. Each has five fingers on their left and right hands and should you have occasion to shake hands with either, you would be well advised to count your fingers before walking away.
Both have running mates that were they to assume the presidency, the nation would nod off within a week. Each has the same connection to regular humans as a Lear Jet has in common with Comet kitchen cleanser. Neither can believe they are not leading the other by at least 25 points in the polls and collectively they exhibit the grace of 40-grit sandpaper with neither having the faintest notion of when to put a sock in it.
Both have unfavorable ratings higher than guard geese downwind of a marijuana field on fire. Each is fond of mangling the English language while wearing a name-brand suit. Neither is a billionaire and both are still picking the splintered bones of vanquished primary opponents from between their toes.
Both have been a pointy mote in the public eye for decades and are prone to making themselves incredibly easy targets of late night comedians. And each has problems with the new technology; one is stymied by emails, the other – addicted to tweets.
And finally, each candidate is adamant that if the other is elected on November 8th it will be a disaster not just for the nation, but the hemisphere, the planet, the solar system and the universe. And the two have united millions who believe that on this issue they both may be right.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager.
