The demands of fatherhood (okay, and a cracked vertebra) have left me too distracted to string together a coherent Father’s Day essay, so instead I’m sharing 14 random thoughts about the occasion:
1. A father is the sort of person who can’t find a major national park with a detailed map and GPS, but CAN unerringly find a one-inch plastic soldier with a bare foot.
2. Fatherhood is no longer the safe gig it used to be; now you have to worry about Uber undercutting you on all the prime piggyback ride assignments. And where the “World’s Best Dad” mug used to be a shoo-in, now nothing is sure until the superdelegate votes are counted.
3. In 1966 President Lyndon Johnson proclaimed Father’s Day to be an official national holiday. LBJ was unsuccessful, however, in convincing Congress to guarantee that all prosthetic legs for fathers injured in the Vietnam War came readymade with sandals and black socks.
4. It wasn’t until 1972 that President Richard Nixon signed into law a permanent U.S. Father’s Day to be observed on the third Sunday of June. Said Nixon, “I am not a crook — just as I told those lobbyists from Acme Ugly Necktie Company and Acme Superfluous Screwdriver Company. Wink wink.”
5. Only dads say things like, “Well, the FDA didn’t say anything about banning sodium-heavy POWER TOOLS.”
6. Dads occupy a special place. No, not the special place where they have us stash dirty dishes and dirty laundry while mom is away — a special place in our HEARTS. Good grief!
7. Upstanding fathers swell with pride and observe, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Less upstanding fathers observe, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but it falls far enough to trigger a personal injury suit. Grab a shady lawyer.”
8. Fathers can’t help but have a cynical streak. After all the innocent-looking boxes that promise “Some assembly required,” they can’t hear a DJ say, “Put your hands together,” without thinking, “Swell! There will probably be at least three parts left over!”
9. According to years of research by the American Optometric Association, only a father could lose a grandmother, a favorite old dog and a pennant race all in the same day and pull that crap about “There must be something in my eye.”
10. Only a father could bellyache, “Junior, I’ve heard you whine about that car payment for the hundredth time. I wish you’d just — hey! It’s the MILLIONTH time the oldies station has played ‘Layla’! Quick! Hand me my air guitar! No, no that one — the other one! And tell all your remaining friends to come over and watch!”
11. At least advances in theoretical science are breathing new life into old fatherhood cliches. (“Why? Because quantum physics said so!”)
12. Other dad speeches have evolved. (“When I was your age…Hmm, was I EVER your age? This Botox is some great stuff! If they could get Clydesdales to pull it, I’d never need anything else!”)
13. Dads think having possession of a device for controlling the flatscreen TV is a national priority. Controlling the bean burritos they had for lunch? Eh, not so much.
14. In spite of an ongoing fascination with the occult, the world still hears fewer outbursts of “I’m turning into a werewolf!” than “I’m turning into my father!”
Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades”. Danny’s’ weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.
