AskBYS:

“I sometimes say yes to things just to avoid disappointing people, even when I don’t want to. How can I learn to say no in a way that feels strong but not mean?”

BYS Response:

For such a small word, ‘NO’ can feel so big, right? It’s a life-long practice to be comfortable and confident in making and communicating our decisions. I want to normalize how challenging it can be to refuse someone requesting our time, energy or resources (loads of scientific studies back this up).

It can be useful to view a ‘no’ to one thing as saying ‘yes’ to something else (i.e. saying no to bedtime scrolling is saying yes to better quality sleep). In this way, learning how to say no effectively is an act of self-care.

Good news! There are some great tools to help us find and communicate our ‘yes’:

Define your values: Values-based decision-making is empowering. Getting clear on your values puts you in the driver’s seat when making decisions instead of reacting to what others want. Focusing on long-term self-respect can help mitigate the feelings around perceived disappointment of others.

Say ‘I don’t vs ‘I can’t’: Clearly communicate your decision. Try saying ‘I don’t’ instead of ‘I can’t’. This phrase makes a stronger statement by invoking a personal identity instead of inviting a conversation. Research has shown that you are less likely to be asked again using ‘I don’t’. Example: ‘I can’t help you with that” vs ‘I don’t take on any extra projects during finals week.”

It’s not just what you say but how you say it: body language and tone of voice can go a long way to convey our intention. A neutral expression or smile will avoid coming across as harsh. Looking someone in the eye helps reinforce your message with confidence.

When to seek help: When saying no makes you feel unsafe, overwhelmed or manipulated. A therapist or trusted adult can help you navigate situations where your refusal is higher stakes. Learning to say no takes practice, but when your well-being is negatively impacted, don’t do it alone.

If you have a question for our BYS therapists, please submit it at askbys.org.

Megan Leanderson is a licensed mental health counselor associate for Bainbridge Youth Services, which has a monthly column in this newspaper.