This year my mother (still going strong at age 88) marks 50 years as an antique collector. Since I grew up in a world of hand-stitched quilts, milk churns, Depression glass and yellowing Montgomery Ward catalogues, I have learned to appreciate the classics.
So, rather than assailing you with something untested and avant garde this Mother’s Day, I will fall back on last year’s tried and true theme. Borrowing from comedian Red Buttons’ “never got a dinner!” routine on the “Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts” of the ’70s, I will once more acknowledge unsung mothers who NEVER GOT A COLUMN. For instance:
Muhammad Ali’s mother, who cajoled, “Eat! Eat! Or you’ll wind up floating like a butterfly!”
Bruce Jenner’s mom, who suddenly realized, “Oops. I ran out of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. I wonder if anyone will notice I made substitutions?”
Julius Caesar’s no-nonsense mother, who announced, “I came. I surprised. I grounded.”
The mother of the Brothers Grimm, who hinted, “Now tell me how this vase came to be broken. I know you won’t make up anything.”
Harry Houdini’s mother, who insisted, “We’re going to visit your great-aunt and that’s final. Let’s see you wiggle out of this one.”
Nostradamus’ mother, who sang him the lullaby “Whatever will be, will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera.”
Captain Ahab’s mother, who demanded, “What you need in your life is focus. FOCUS.”
Paul McCartney’s mother, who advised, “Always cross the street single-file — AND DON’T WEAR SHOES!”
Jonah’s mother, who reprimanded, “Don’t talk when you’re food in someone’s mouth.”
The mother of William S. Harley, co-founder of Harley Davidson, who nagged, “Keep your elbows off the table and don’t ask for seconds. Nobody likes a HOG.”
Martin Luther’s longsuffering mother, who scolded, “You call them ‘theses.’ I call them crayon scribbling on my door. Get a washcloth and soap, young man!”
Marco Polo’s mother, who prodded, “There are starving children in China who would give anything for that food. If you don’t believe me, go (snicker) check for yourself.”
Galileo’s mother, who beamed, “Of course the sun doesn’t orbit around the earth. It orbits around YOU, my precious bambino!”
Plastic Man’s mother, who sighed, “Okay, you’ve got me on the stretch marks. But let me tell you about midnight feedings and toxic diapers…”
Clint Eastwood’s exasperated mother, who intoned, “Oh, you’ll never understand, but sometimes I feel as if I’m talking to an empty chair!”
Artist M.C. Escher’s mother, who moaned, “I turn my back for a minute, and you turn the house topsy turvy!”
George Washington’s mother, who groaned, “Apparently your new mittens went across the Potomac, too, when you were out tossing dollars.”
Pablo Picasso’s mother, who apologized, “Honest, if I hadn’t blown such a wad in Vegas, I was taking you to the optometrist.”
Hippocrates’ mother, who complained, “Father of Medicine? How about being the father of my GRANDCHILDREN? And why isn’t the first law of medicine, ‘kiss a boo-boo to make it feel better’?”
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe next year…What’s this? Mothers are preemptively contributing to a kickstarter campaign to guarantee that they STILL DON’T GET A COLUMN?
Hmph! How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless mother! Speaking of which, Shakespeare’s mother, a priest and a rabbi walked into a bar…
Danny welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s’ weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.
