Success. What does it mean? All parents want success for their children, but what happens when the definition of success doesn’t cultivate happiness?

We can’t deny that we live in a society that tends to think of success in a fairly rigid way; college degree, career, nice house, good car, financial wealth, etc. It isn’t that these things can’t increase our potential for happiness, but where’s the line between having a solid foundation that enables us to pursue fulfillment and feeling tethered to a life of constant striving?

Perhaps we focus on the practical definition of success because the other stuff of life is less concrete. It can be difficult to show or even articulate to your child that your deepest wish is that they go through their life feeling loved and embraced by whatever community they choose, that they grow into tender, thoughtful people who are admired and respected and that they have freedom and purpose.

Parents naturally want to protect their children from hardship, and while that urge is surely born of great love, when it goes awry it can create a whole different type of struggle and teens need the right kind. They need the types of challenges that leave them empowered and not defeated; the experience of making a mistake and growing or facing adversity and becoming stronger in who they are.

The wrong kind of struggle is the one against predetermined ideas of success and perfectionism so unattainable and overwhelming that teens internalize failure and create a narrative about themselves that contradicts their goodness. They start to believe they’re stupid, they’re lazy, that if they don’t want the job, the college, the status that they are less than. The wrong kind robs them of the expansiveness of youth and the sense that there are many paths to choose from. At its worst, it hinders their ability to love themselves.

How do adults and parents help make room for the right kind of struggle?

First, you have to soothe your own anxiety. Parents feeling like successes as parents shouldn’t cost kids anything. The pressure that gets put on parents is a systemic problem (and a whole other article), but the bottom line is that you’ve got to find some ways to not pass down perfectionism as your legacy. Model good gatekeeping, give yourself downtime, practice self-care and try to handle your own failures or shortcomings with humor, grace and flexibility.

Kids and teens need the message that they are worthwhile without having to earn it. Even families who don’t put a strong emphasis on “traditional success” have to work hard to combat the current, because the pressure is everywhere!

Have lots of conversations about what your kids are interested in, how they’re feeling, what’s going on in their relationships. Praise them for their inherent loveliness more than you do for their accomplishments. Shoot for at least a 5-to-1 ratio, that for every question or conversation about grades or performance, there are five about everything else.

Choose language that helps kids internalize and own their success. For example, if you find out that your teen went to a party and decided not to drink, instead of saying “I’m proud of you, that was really responsible” try, “I really admire the way you respect yourself and that you were able to make a decision that felt right for you in a tough situation.” The first response implies that there is an expected standard they should be living up to, while the second acknowledges the strengths that person called upon to advocate well for themselves.

Can you imagine getting a promotion and everyone being like, “Yeah, duh, that’s what you should be doing.” Boo! Even as adults we want some clinking glasses to acknowledge an accomplishment (and maybe some cake and a hug). I don’t think we realize how often we respond this way to kids and teens when what we should be doing is getting super pumped for them as much as possible! They’re growing! They’re becoming emotionally intelligent! They think critically! Hooray!

When kids and teens see these positive responses from adults, they have the chance to say to themselves, “Yeah, I did do that, didn’t I?” That good feeling gets banked away in their brains and, small victory by victory, they build long-term success and happiness which is founded in their ability to trust their own thinking, have agency in their lives and a genuine love for who they are. Now that’s real success!

Tara Murphy is a counselor with Bainbridge Youth Services, which provides community youth (ages 12-19) with no-cost, confidential, and high quality professional counseling.