According to thinkers like also-ran presidential candidate Rick Santorum, America is a Christian nation.

Really? The Bible is pro-slavery and pro-monarch—two things Americans are (now at least) decidedly against. So how are we a Christian nation, exactly?

“It’s because of the Pilgrims trek to the New World in search of religious liberty that makes us a Christian nation.”

The Pilgrims were not the holy Founding Fathers. (They were at least seven generations apart.)

“We were founded on Christian principles!”

Sure. Which ones, exactly? Nearly all sins are legal. Think about that. With a few exceptions, sin isn’t against the law. You can legally break eight of the 10 Commandments (if you’re a cop or a banker, you get a free pass on all ten).

The First Amendment shields heretics and false prophets when the Bible condemns them. Tenets like freedom of speech and the right to peacefully assemble are not in the Bible. Personal liberty, equality—equal rights for women, protections for sodomites and/or rich people—are not from scripture. Democracy and a separation of powers are not psalms. Blasphemy isn’t even against the law.

So which principles? Empathy? Turning the other cheek? Charity? Hospitality? Loving your neighbor? That’s hardly our foreign or domestic policy.

“No, we’re a Christian nation because most of the people who live here self-identify as Christians.”

OK, that’s a nation of Christians, not a Christian nation. And conjuring up religious quotes by the holy Founding Fathers doesn’t make the case either.

“In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own,” was said by Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, the writer of the Jefferson Bible whose detractors (priests) claimed he was an infidel trying to destroy religion.

We’re a nation of mainly Christians but not even really good Christians. We go to church as much as Europeans, we just lie about it more. Churches are closing down and filing for bankruptcy, yet Americans tell pollsters they’re in church every Sunday. Unaffiliated, non-religious Americans are around 20 percent of the population. And those who lie about being religious but really aren’t, make up another 10-18 percent of America, according to a study by the University of Michigan.

We’re not a Christian nation, we’re not even a nation of Christians, we’re a nation that lies about our religion. The Bible is fiercely anti-rich people. But not America! So we just…omit that part…in fact, we lie about how commie Christianity actually is as much as we LIE about how often we visit these temples of wealth redistribution.

We’re not a Christian nation and, truly thank god, because that means we’re not a theocracy. No, actually, don’t thank god for that, thank secularists. Secularists get derided as atheists (a U.K. study suggests atheists are trusted as much as rapists. Take that, pedophile priests!) Secularists don’t have to be anti-religion—people of faith can identify as secularists—they’re just individuals who’ve decided government and religion should be separate. They agree religion is better off—and more importantly government is better off—not being the same thing. Disagree? Three words: Salem Witch Trials. Still unsure? The Crucible. Don’t really feel me? Iran!

Because of secularists, adultery isn’t a capital offense.

You’re welcome.

Oh and this saturnalian orgy of tinsel, shopping and eggnog in December laughably referred to as Christmas? You’re welcome for that too. It’s a party of good cheer because we don’t live under biblical authority; gluttony, false idols and envy aren’t criminalized.

Personal freedoms like being able to marry other faiths, nations or races, not marry at all, or even get a divorce? You’re welcome. Legal porn’s biggest consumer? Utah? You’re welcome, too.

Bacon? You’re welcome. Football on Sunday? You’re welcome. Your horoscope? You’re welcome. Your angel tattoo? You’re welcome. Doing anything on the Sabbath? You’re welcome for that too.

The reason for the season? Secularists. Capitalists mostly, but secularists generally. The American celebration of Christmas isn’t Christian. Disagree? Mall Santas.

Our country was founded as a secular government and all the freedom from/of religion that comes with that wall of separation.

It’s nice. Thank secularists.

Tina Dupuy is a nationally syndicated op-ed columnist, investigative journalist, award-winning writer, stand-up comic, on-air commentator and wedge issue fan. Tina can be reached at tinadupuy@yahoo.com.