BY TARA MURPHY

Fall is officially here and the school year is in full swing, which means that stress is building for teens. Increased stress makes listening to your kids even more important, but how do you respond in a way that makes your kids feel heard, not judged? How do you check your emotions when you’re listening?

You need to be present for your kids, but you’re still their parents! Sometimes teens tell you troubling things and it can be very difficult to respond without letting your emotions cloud your reactions.

I’m sure I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again; let curiosity and compassion be your guiding light in staying open in a conversation with your teens.

You don’t have to give up being a parent just to listen. You can hold good boundaries, enforce appropriate consequences and listen to them warmly and openly.

When you come to a conversation curious it’s really hard to have assumptions. Teens get talked at enough that often the last thing they need is to hear about our own experience as adults or have us infer feelings or meaning into what they’re saying for them. Teens really need the opportunity to talk things through and to utilize their critical thinking skills.

The goal while listening openly and neutrally is to be exactly that, open and neutral. If you have a big reaction emotionally to what is being said, then chances are that your kids are going to be reluctant to talk to you in the future.

I hear time and time again from teens that they withhold information not so much because of fear of consequences, but because they dread the emotional reaction that they’re going to get from their parents. Emotional regulation is a major task of adolescence, so it’s important for parents to model staying calm while expressing their feelings.

An important ingredient in cultivating your listening skills is taking good care of yourself! I recently read a quote that said, “Be kind to yourself, it’s hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you.” Parenting is the hardest job in the world and if you are not taking good care of yourself physically and emotionally it will be very difficult for you to be present for your teens. That means trying to get enough sleep, eating well, exercising and doing things that nurture you as an individual.

Get support! It’s always good to have a circle of friends, family or a therapist to vent to and process with. If you’ve heard something difficult that brings up worry, or anxiety or sadness or you’ve had interaction with your teen that is particularly triggering, allow yourself some time to soothe and honor the complicated emotions that usually accompany the love that parents have for their children. These things will make you so much lovelier to be around in general and an especially good listener! Good self-care is healthy, not selfish.

Another ingredient is allowing yourself to differentiate between your roles of listener, parent and individual. There’s plenty of time for parent mode after you have time to sit down and process. Think about how you might respond in the moment if you could let go of the feeling that you have to have the right answer or know what to do.

Sometimes people just need a witness and an ear while they figure stuff out on their own. Ask open ended questions and redirect things back to your teen, for example, “What do you think about that?” or, “How do you feel about it?” You want to pose questions that help them think about the situation for themselves. It’s OK for kids to struggle a bit!  It’s how they become well-adjusted adults.

Ultimately, your kids know you care, not because you fix a problem, but because you listen.

If you or your family need extra support in learning how to listen, Bainbridge Youth Services is one resource that can help.  Call us at 206-842-9675 or visit www.askBYS.org.

Tara Murphy is a counselor with Bainbridge Youth Services, which provides community youth (ages 12-19) with no-cost, confidential, and high quality professional counseling.